BREAKING: Dead Staying Home This Midterm
Dems to offer voters 10k bribe to make up the difference
“I’m just not gonna do it,” says Jerry Saddler, a three-years deceased Jersey man. “I just can’t bring myself to vote for Biden again.
”
The growing negative sentiment among the dead has struck a stark cord for partisan Dems who previously relied heavily on this particular demographic.
Marry Edgeworth, a South Carolina mother, who is survived by three children and a now-happy husband, agreed.
“Biden is about as useful as a steering wheel on a mule! He’s done more damage to this country in two years than all the rest put together. I ain’t gonna do it.”
The sentiment strikes true for the younger generations as well. Andy Taint, a TikTok Influencer and Twitch streamer, who died after a 96 hour Fortnight stream, attempting to “swallow a glizzy whole,” said, “My bois keeps pressurin’ me to vote for Creepy Uncle Joe. Psh. I ain’t gonna do it. Man, Biden is two-bit, for real-for real. No cap on God, stayin’ home is bussin. Sheeeeeeeeeeeewww’!
The growing tension in the Democratic party has led to panicked cries. President Biden, a staunch proponent of crippling young Americans with unforgivable student debt, was recorded on a hot mic, saying, “I…uh…well, we know that…uh…Ukraine is…is…Putin’s Student Loan hike…”
Following the leak, Vice President Harris attempted to clarify, stating, “One of the issues that has been presented as an issue, is most certainly an issue for us, once we considered the issue of losing the deceased voting bloc, then we really get to the heart of the issue...”
When asked about her thoughts on this, Nancy Pelosi shrugged it off as she sipped a martini.
“That voting bloc isn’t our only means to win. The American people know what they want, and we know what they want, and the president knows what they need, and that’s a tax audit.”
When Nooticer Political Correspondent, Chad McFly, pressed her about talks of forgiving student loan debt, she said with a waive of her martini, “Oh, we’ll just give them some paltry something or other. Who cares? What matters is that my husband’s multi-million dollar PPP loan gets forgiven.”
Regardless of this ardent stance of certainty from the Dem leadership, the general public isn’t quite so confident that a bribe will save the party come election season. And without the ever-necessary voting bloc of the dead, there are real concerns that a debt-cut, that won’t really impact anyone in any meaningful way, won’t sway voters to lean blue.
With 74% of Americans believing the country is going in the wrong direction, only time will tell how secure the Democrats truly are.